I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
