He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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