I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
