I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
