i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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