What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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