Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
