yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Welp...herpes.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
