The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
