Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I love having hate sex.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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