she's into porn, im staying here tonight
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
