I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize