I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My vagina is officially offended.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
