Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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