i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
