I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
