I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
