im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It's blow job season.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
