i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
