Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
