im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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