I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
