My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
