you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
