nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
