I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
