drinking out of a sandbucket again
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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