Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
