You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
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