Ambien. No doubt about it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
