An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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