Already got asked if we're dating
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
