im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
