1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
