working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
