Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
