remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize