i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
