my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
