Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
