I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
