Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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