Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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