it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
