when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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