Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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