I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
