i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
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