Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
