Umm I'm too high to move.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
