Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
