I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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