John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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