Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
