After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
