So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
