so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
