I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
