i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
a search helicopter?!
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
