Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
