So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
