As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize