Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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