If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
