Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
