my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
