evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
