I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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