My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize