I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
