Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize